Three Pastors, in the North of US, were having dinner. One said "You know, I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church, since the start of summer. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them.
Another said "Same here. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, but they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one since then!"
A young man was in front of church, while the preacher was standing at the door, to shake hands. He grabbed the young man by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The young man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come, I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
The young man whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
One summer, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, could you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring kiss.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
Finally, he said, in his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Three boys were in the schoolyard, boasting about their fathers.
The first boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem and gets $50 for it."
The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song and gets $100 for it."
The third boy said, "I beat you both. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A young couple was on the way to get married, when they were killed in an accident. When they got to heaven they, met the God.
God asked them what they wanted.
They said, "We know this is heaven and we are glad to be here, but we would still like to get married".
God said "I'll have to get back to you on that" and dismissed them from the throne room.
Ten years later, God called them back and asked if they still wanted to get married. They said with great excitement "Yes, we sure do".
God said - "This preacher is going to perform marriage rituals for you today".
They got married and left happy. A few months later, they asked to see God again and said, "We know this is heaven, but we can't get along & want divorce".
God said, "Now look, it took me ten years to get a preacher up here. If you think I'm going to get a lawyer up here, you are crazy".
A preacher told his listeners, "Next week, I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the pastor asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
One beautiful Sunday morning, Samuel, a priest, announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands, three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."