John: Would you punish me for some thing I have not done?
Teacher: No, of course not.
John: Good. I didn't do my homework.
Alice to Robert: What is difference between Man and Superman?
Robert: Man wears underwear under the trousers and superman wears it over his.
Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will, but I don't know exactly how to go about it.'
The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and order drinks. They, then, take sandwiches from their briefcases and begin to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two looked at each other, shrugged and exchanged sandwiches.
Teacher: If you had 10 dollars and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Little John: 10 dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don?t know your arithmetic.
Little John (sadly): You don?t know my father.
A preacher died and reached heaven. There, he saw a Chicago cab driver, who had more crowns.
He asked an angel, "I cannot understand. I devoted my whole life to my congregation. Still, the cabbie has more crowns"
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while, someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. But, when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but prayed as well!"
Smith was dining out, when his wife noticed her ex-husband at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
One night David asked his girlfriend:
"Darling are you free tonight"
His girlfriend shouted and replied:
"Have I ever charged you before?"
When NASA opened the first restaurant on the moon, one visitor complained to another, "Do you know, this place has great food and terrific service, but there's one thing wrong with it."
The visitor replied, "No atmosphere."
A man, who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer, went to a lawyer, seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail.
His lawyer told him, "You do not need to worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money."
The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Colonel who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. ?Turn the car around,? he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started, it the girl had vanished.
?Driver,? said the major, ?you'd be a total loss in an emergency.?
?I thought I did pretty well,? the driver said. ?That was my girl.?
Looking down at the defendant, the judge said, "Mr. Hume, I've decided to give you a suspended sentence."
Tears pouring from his eyes, Hume cried, "Oh, thank you, Your Honor!"
"Don't thank me," the judge replied. "I'm sentencing you to be hanged."