Heaven Jokes

A milkman and a lawyer died in one accident. Both were taken to the heaven. They met St Peter at the Pearly Gate. Later, St Peter took them to their homes, where they were expected to spend all of eternity.
They got into St. Peter's holy vehicle and headed down a gold road, which turned into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road, paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, "Son, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know." Lawyer happily thanked St. Peter and went inside the mansion.
Then, St. Peter took the milkman to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and on an unpaved footpath to a shack.
St Peter to milkman said, "Here you go"
When St Peter was about to leave, the milkman caught his leg and asked, "Why the hell did the lawyer get the big mansion and I got this shack?"
St. Peter retorted: "Well, milkmen are a dime a dozen here, but we have never had a lawyer before."
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Santa died prematurely and was sent to hell. The hell incharge was sitting idle.
He said to Santa "I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?"
Santa happily accepted the offer. The first place that came in front of Santa was a huge room full of clocks. Santa asked, "What's up with these clocks?"
The hell incharge explained, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
Santa thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is like this.
The hell in charge explained, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so Santa takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one fan in the center of the ceiling. Both its hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
Santa asked, "What's the story with that fan?"
"Oh, that is a clock, not a fan," the hell incharge said, "That's George Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.
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Desoto was not feeling well, so he went to a doctor. While he was waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun came out of the doctor's office. She looked very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Desoto went to doctor's chamber. Before doctor could ask anything, Desoto asked, "I just saw a nun leaving and she looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor said: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Desoto exclaimed: "Oh my God, is she?"
The doctor responded: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
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A beggar collapsed and was taken to a Catholic Hospital. He went through a heart surgery. The operation went well and the beggar regained consciousness. He was about to be released from the hospital, Sister Martha came and said, "You will be alright, but we have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
The beggar: "No, I'm not,"
Sister Martha: "Can you pay in cash?"
The beggar: "I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
Sister Martha: "Do you have any close relatives, then?"
The beggar: "Just my sister in New Mexico, but she's a spinster nun."
Sister Martha: "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," "They are married to God." The beggar: "Okay, then bill my brother-in-law, He will pay."
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Santa went to heaven. He was happy that God allowed him a free session. He had so many questions to ask. Santa fired rapid questions.
Santa: "Why did you make my wife so pretty?"
God: "So you would like her."
Santa: "That is fine," "But how come you made her so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her",
Santa pondered a moment and then asked, "But why did you make her so foolish?"
God retorted: "So she would love you!"
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