Lawyer Jokes

According to Foxford Dictionary a lawyer is one, "who abuses of litigation in various ways, including using dilatory tactics and false evidence and making frivolous arguments to the courts; preparation of false documentation, such as false deeds, contracts, or wills; deceiving clients and other persons and misappropriating property; procrastination in dealings with clients; and charging excessive fees.
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A bar in California claimed that its bartender was the strongest man in the world and offered $10,000 to anyone who could beat him in a simple task. The bartender squeezed a lemon until all the juice ran out, and anyone who could get a drop of juice out of it, after the bartender, was done would win the $10,000.
Hundreds of people came and failed. On one fine evening, a skinny and fragile man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and asked for a try on the bet. People inside the bar started laughing at him. The bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the rind to the man, who to everyone's surprise, squeezed 5 drops into the glass.
The whole bar was stunned; the bartender paid up, and then asked the man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A weight lifter?"
The guy replied, "Nope, I'm a lawyer at a bar."
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Tony, a young law graduate, started practice. His first case was to defend a rich businessman in a complicated lawsuit. All the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. Tony asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge's wife some gold jewelry in a box.
The partner was scared, "The judge is an honorable man, and, If you do that, I can guarantee that you will lose the case."
After a month, Tony won the case, and threw a party, inviting the senior partner as well. The senior partner asked, "Aren't you glad that you didn't send judge's wife the jewelry box?"
Tony the lawyer replied, "Oh, but I did send them. I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card with it!"
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Harry was the biggest name in legal fraternity in Chicago. He had a son who graduated from Yale University law school. He started working with his father. On first day, he came to father and said, "Dad, in one day, I broke the theft case that you've been working on for ten years!"
Harry responded: "You fool! We have been living on the funding of that case for ten years."
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It was Christmas time and Judge Montgomery was in a relaxed mood. He saw a witness looking extremely sad.
He asked him, "You seem to be in some distress, anything wrong?"
The witness replied, "Well, your Honor, I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But every time I try, some lawyer objects."
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