One-Liner Jokes

I have nothing to declare except my genius.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
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Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
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How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, because, ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
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It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
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I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
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A hypochondrium is the only disease I haven't got.
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I bet you I can stop gambling.
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Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
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I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in the car he was driving.
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As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
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Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
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I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
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Chastity is curable, if detected early.
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Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
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My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
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Whom are you working for? Same people, my wife and four kids!
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Alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who is in a hurry?
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No one has ever complained of our parachute not opening.
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They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
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A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
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We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
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Love everybody. Love every body.
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Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa
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Wise never marry. And, when they marry they become otherwise
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
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