I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, because, ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
A hypochondrium is the only disease I haven't got.
I bet you I can stop gambling.
Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in the car he was driving.
As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Whom are you working for? Same people, my wife and four kids!
Alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who is in a hurry?
No one has ever complained of our parachute not opening.
They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
Love everybody. Love every body.
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa
Wise never marry. And, when they marry they become otherwise
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
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