Funny Quotes

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
- Oscar Wilde
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
- Albert Einstein
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
- Mark Twain
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright
I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
- Bob Hope
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
- Author Unknown
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.
- Tommy Cooper
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
- Paul Beatty
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
- Bertolt Brecht
A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
- Buster Keaton
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
- Victor Hugo
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
- Robert McCloskey
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
- Charles M. Schulz
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
- Benny Hill
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

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