Humorous Quotes

I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
I don?t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
- Woody Allen
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
- Mel Brooks
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
- Flip Wilson
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
- Anton Chekhov
Intelligence is like a four-wheel drive. It allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
- Garrison Keillor
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide.
- Missy Fruchter
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
- Harold Coffin
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee.
- Stephanie Piro
If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!
- Yogi Berra
There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.
- Mark Twain
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp
If you're going to make every game a matter of life or death, you're going to have a lot of problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.
- Dean Smith
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Author Unknown
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
- Harry Truman
Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.
- Elber Hubbard
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
- Garry Shandling
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman!
- Author Unknown

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